Entertainment vs. Fiction

Well, it's official. This morning I received the glorious news that after months of legal battles in the entertainment world, New Line Cinemas is going ahead with their long-awaited Lord of the Rings Prequels (yes, plural) or originally know as, "The Hobbit."

From the Director/writer of such jewels as "Meet the Feebles" and "Kate Winslet is Nude Again" comes not one, but TWO movies created from the well-loved classic tale of simplicity, hidden heroism, smelly dwarves, talking animals and retarded humans who always fuck shit up, that's right: THE HOBBIT!

JRR Tolkien/LOTR/D&D/fantasy/Manga/fans the world over are cringing to see how badly another retarded human fucks up another masterpiece of 20th Century fiction.

In the last ten years, J. K. Rowling's printing powerhouse Scholastic clear cut the rest of the Amazon to print Harry Potter and the End of Trees (thanks Jon Stewart), so Peter Lord-of-the-Rings Jackson had to completely ruin the perfection that was the Tolkien Legacy by infantalizing not only his magnum opus, The Lord of the Rings, but now he comes full circle to butcher The Hobbit. (I'm taking bets on whether or not we encounter Tom Bombadill somewhere in these prequels.) After months of legal battles with New Line Cinemas, Jackson was finally chosen to take them helm of producing and directing the Hobbit Prequels.

Here are my casting predictions about these new movies:

Samuel L. Jackson as the voice of Smaug the Dragon ("I am tired of these mother-fucking Hobbits in these mother-fucking caves!")

Sean Connery as the voice of Gwahir, the Lord of the Eagles in Middle Earth ("Eagle, Gwahir the Eagle"or "I'll take The rapists for $300, Alex)

Shia LeBouf as a wiry, wise-cracking, yet wise beyond his years, Bilbo Baggins.

Keanau Reeves and ten pounds of face make-up as Galdalf the Grey (Peter Jackson got rid of Ian McKellan when he found out he was gay and even liked Meet the Feebles)

The cast of Little People, Big World as the uninvited host of Dwarves who travel with Bilbo to the Misty Mountains (ouch, that was uncalled for)

Mel Gibson does pennance as the filthy cave-dwelling anti-semetic Gollum.

Mike Myers reinvents the character of Beorn, a human who can turn into a bear, and will now be playing Shreorn, a human who can turn into a complete asshole, with a Scottish brogue.

As mentioned before, Tom Bombadil will make an early appearance, even though he is not mentioned in the Hobbit, and will be played exquisitely by none other than Steve Carrell.

Finally just to make sure the movie sells, there has to be some sort of love story, so Aragorn and Arwen will be inserted into this movie, but at the beginning of their love story. Aragorn and Arwen will be played by young hearthrobs Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens, respectively, from Disney Channel's High School Musical fame. (Vanessa promised to keep her clothes on during the filming of the movie.)


Aw, who am I kidding! I am totally psyched for these movies!! But my brother, Robert, who is a male stripper in Sheffield, England, is planning a mass suicide/sacrifice on the grave of JRR Tolkien to appease Tolkien's restless haunted spirit.

Peter Jackson will not be there.